You can Simmons on my Genes any time!

Gene Simmons.

GENE FUCKING SIMMONS, everybody.

¼ of legendary 70s rock and roll glam band KISS.

The bat-winged alter-ego named DEMON.

Rock n roll mentor.

Publisher.

Reality TV Show star.

Purveyor of a long spindly tongue.

Hollywood action villain for the ages – wait, what?

Gene is many things – but one thing is for sure: he’s a serious muthafukin artist. That’s right – AN ARTIST! For those at the back. The man is committed. And nothing exemplifies this more than the little pocket of career gold in the 1980s during which he gave Acting (with a capital A) a good and serious go. Starring in three whole films (YES THREE, what have you done??) in which our Gene serves us the perfect villain each and every time. His performances are a didactic masterclass in NOT HOLDING BACK. Glorious ham of the highest grade – with all the lip-smacking crackling and apple sauce to boot. And why wouldn’t you? You’re Gene fucking Simmons! Nobody can dish out the dead-behind-the-eyes, poker-faced menace as our Gene – and if we’re lucky enough, he may bless us with the occasional dramatic side-eye, a twitch of a brow or a curious non-descript accent.

Can 3 films really be seen as a respectable canon of work?  I hear you scoff. Trust me, it is A LOT, and it is ENOUGH. Let me take you by the hand, friends, as we take a ride that you won’t regret.

Disclaimer: these films are very much a product of their time and very unlikely to get a pass in today’s PC standards – so I invite you to come with an openness to queering the experience. The 1980s (and Gene) were a wild time!

A sci-fi action film lead by the ultimate specimen of big-zaddy energy, Tom Selleck, who plays cop Jack Ramsay, in a wonderfully analogue 1980s version of “the future” in which sentient robots exist in service to humans in everyday life – in households, office buildings etc (sidenote: this film scarily manages to predict social media, drones, roombas and Alexa all the way back then) – so what could possibly go wrong?? When a couple domestic-bots go rogue (#NotAllRobots) and turn on their human masters, Jack is tasked to get to the bottom of it. Simultaneously, we meet the comically sinister tech genius, Dr. Charles Luther, played by our Gene, famed for engineering killer tech such as tracking bullets and robot spiders. Call us crazy but, maybe, just maybe, could he be the evil mastermind behind the homicidal bots?? The plot doesn’t thicken (it's pretty obvious to be honest) but, good god, it's electric!

Like many gaudy 1980s action movies, our hero & villain must play cat and mouse with wickedly melodramatic machismo; Selleck with his rugged moustachioed moustache-ness and Gene with his intense stoney-faced smoulder – broken only by cackles of maniacal delight and half-baked one-liners. I expect nothing less from Gene. He’s gives good face. No. He gives OUTSTANDING face! Given, it’s really only the one face. He’s either acting so goddam hard or not acting at all – it’s the ambiguity of it all that simply elevates him to such levels of uncanny genius. Fighting for screen presence against Selleck would seem futile for many – but not Gene. He is magnetic – a blackhole of evil absorbing all around him into his delicious void. Channelling that terrifying Zuckerbergian vacuousness 20 years ahead of y2k. What are your dark secrets, Gene? We must know!

Fun fact: this movie came out the same year as Terminator (1984) (for those of you feeling the fear of technology, Skynet vibes) – and is directed by the same guy who directed the original Westworld (1973) and went onto write Jurassic Park (1993).

In this VERY tongue-in-cheek Bond-esque espionage action send-up, an all-American hottie Lance Stargrove, played by the fresh-faced, pre-Full House John Stamos (with one hell of a mullet), must team up with a sexy secret agent Danja Deering played by Vanity (yes Prince’s girl) to avenge the death of Lance’s father at the hands of the sexy but evil terrorist Velvet von Ragnor, played by our Gene. It’s a scrummy schlockfest that’s often immortalised in many an “it’s so bad it’s good” film list. There’s even a scene that precedes the inevitable copulation of our two sexy leads (did I mention it’s all very very sexy?) in which Danja literally hoses down her naked self in slo-mo as Lance watches on blushing like a school boy as a softcore porno soundtrack plays – the absence of irony is **chef’s kiss** making this film one of the campiest of classics. Car chases, explosions, gratuitous nudity, and Gene Simmons playing a villain – tick! tick! tick! tick!

Now, Gene’s Velvet von Ragnor is not your average pussy-stroking (not that type!), sociopathic, anally retentive Bond villain… nope. That would be far too easy. Velvet is different. Velvet is MORE. Velvet is… (BRACE YOURSELVES)… a kinky, cross-dressing, cabaret performing, bi-sexual hermaphrodite. Did you see that one coming?? Nope, neither did I. Don’t ask me how anyone thought this up, though without Gene specifically cast in this role, this film would not be anywhere near the infamous spectacle that it is. Why does it even matter that Velvet is a hermaphrodite?? Do we need proof of genitalia?? There’s a part of me that believes that Velvet wasn’t even written like this till our Gene, ever the extrovert, was cast in the part and then demanded that he get to wear sexy suspenders and shiny lippy for the entirety of film. His performance as Velvet is literally balls to the wall campery as he laps up every last morsel of glitter, sequins, fishnet tights and hairspray – as though he’s built his whole career up to this moment. Sod Kiss. We’ve got the lovechild of Dr Frank ’n’ Furter and Divine 2.0! Any movie villain after this will seem so very, madly, and intensely mundane.

Gene does go onto play other roles – smaller but parts such as a radio DJ in the classic rock and roll horror Trick or Treat (1986); as himself in Detroit Rock City (1999); and an attorney in Extract (2009) – yet none of these roles platformed the level of dramatic magnificence than that which we were gifted with during this short-lived 80s cinematic foray. Every frame that Gene graces here is a golden moment of unadulterated scenery chewing – and to that I say: bon appetite and buckle up!

Published 2023.

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